Make Friends, Not Contacts

By Ari Kaplan, a a lawyer who practiced in New York City for nearly nine years, and a writer who has published over 160 articles. He teaches professionals around the country how to get published and stand out in today's stagnant economy. Ari can be reached via his Website, www.arikaplanadvisors.com, or at 646.641.0600 and ari@arikaplan.net. This article is excerpted, with permission, from his new book, The Opportunity Maker.

In marketing, people develop contacts, leads and prospects. When planting seeds, people make friends. Use the “Thank You” method to engage and take the time to earn trust and establish genuine relationships. Cultivate those relationships over time and protect them well.

Start with those you have already met and have them introduce you to their friends, recommends Elizabeth “Betiayn” Tursi, the founder of Tursi Law Marketing Management. “I have gotten business from friends with whom I went to elementary school,” she notes.

Identify true friends with judgment that you trust. Start with those you knew before law school and expect to know after graduation. For example, if you grew up in Kansas City and attend law school in Miami, ask your old friends from KC to introduce you to their friends in Miami and begin connecting with them in your newly adopted hometown.

Consider having a party the next time your mutual friend is in town. Write him or her a joint letter. Start a six degrees of your mutual friend running joke. That point of similarity can serve as the foundation for true organic growth. People want to connect with other people, but as they grow older and get more involved in their routines, it becomes harder. Asking friends to introduce you to their friends alleviates the burden.

There is also a greater chance that colleagues who know you will make an introduction that is consistent with your interests and ideologies. This will make it easier to find common ground and set the tone for sharing future experiences. A friend that knows about your interest in political activism will probably not introduce you to his or her favorite couch potato.

Extending yourself and your clique to others is the first step in building a habit of being a giver rather than a taker. Givers are remembered for their selflessness, while takers are forgotten for their self-absorption. Be remembered.

Follow up on this matchmaking and similarly let your friend know how the match he or she made is working out. The key is to remain gracious and appreciative of the efforts of others whatever the ultimate result. And, of course, always remember that the point of these relationships is to build friendships that will enrich your personal and professional experiences as you grow in your career. Looking for nothing more makes every contact honest and minimizes expectations.

Lawyers need to meet people to generate business. They need to network to retain clients. They need to generate name recognition to gain prominence. Law students and junior practitioners, on the other hand, need to learn the law. There is no pressure to meet people, retain clients or gain prominence. They can simply meet people for the enjoyment of connecting and learning about them to gain insight. That window of opportunity is short so take advantage of it while it is open.

• Ask your close friends to introduce you to others in their trusted network with interests that are similar to yours.
• Consider friends that you might be able to connect. Develop opportunities to connect with others, either socially or professionally.
• Temper expectations to merely build relationships into friendships, rather than opportunities.

Daniel A. Cotter, Assistant Vice President and Deputy General Counsel at insurance underwriter Argonaut, notes that you have to be out there and keep meeting others. “My advice is to be a resource for other people when you don’t need anything so that it is a give-and-take.” Despite the difficulty for students to grasp this concept, it is essential that they process Cotter’s point.

I often describe this as the “Godfather” model of living. There is a great scene in the original film from 1972 where Don Corleone is speaking to an individual, asking him for a large favor for which he was willing to pay. Refusing to accept payment, Corleone explains “some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But, until that day, accept this justice as a gift.…” The point is to convey the idea that when you do for others, there is a natural and very sincere opportunity to call on them in the future. It is not for a return on your effort, but since you have already built up a certain level of credibility, people are more willing to entertain your request. It is a natural instinct. It is the essence of good relations. Be the person who says “it is my pleasure” or “good luck” first.

“Eventually your friends will land at a place from which you can get business,” says Tursi. “It is all a matter of people contact,” she adds. For that reason, Cotter suggests that students make at least four contacts per week. He often sees or hears of students calling people to randomly request job-searching assistance. “I can’t recommend someone I don’t know and whose resume I have never seen,” he says. Seeking to take advantage of someone else’s Rolodex is a pure waste of time.

Law students should start at the beginning. Discussing job prospects and learning about the job-hunting experiences of others is very different from calling and asking someone for help. Taking advice and guidance for consideration is the opposite of seeking it only as the means to an end, i.e., a job. The interesting aspect of seeking guidance is that your questions will lead to answers, which will lead to a conversation that will inevitably turn to your own activities. There will be similarities in your job search or networking or academic experience that will often create a shared bond between you and the person with whom you are speaking. If you are authentic, that person will remember you. That memory could become invaluable if he or she hears of a job opening that may suit you.

The breadth of Cotter’s network is considerable because he is a power lifter. He makes friends at lifting meets and has developed relationships with franchising and real estate executives with similar interests. “The key is to gain exposure to people that are outside of the profession,” he says.

Participate in non-legal activities

Those successful in this regard simply follow their own roads. If they play tiddlywinks, they might join the International Federation of Tiddlywinks Associations. (Seriously, tiddlywinks has a worldwide following.) More conventional sports fans can engage their passion in intramural activities. Andy Hahn, a partner in the New York office of Seyfarth Shaw formed a team when he was a junior associate at a prior firm. “A partner with whom I was working at the time wanted to create a firm volleyball squad, and I saw it as an opportunity to get to know him,” says Hahn. That partner was the head of the litigation department of the prior firm. There are few meaningful ways to connect with more senior professionals, he notes. Hahn joined the team and practiced playing volleyball whenever possible. After the games, the partner in charge invited players to dinner and for cocktails. He later added Hahn to his litigation team and years later supported his partnership bid.

While Hahn’s legal talent and dedication earned him the promotion, his interest in genuinely connecting with others was a strong supplement to his ability. Hahn connected through volleyball and other activities, including community service. Consider how you could connect with people. Whether through academics (though there has to be something more fun), politics or even unusual games made popular in the 19th century (like tiddlywinks), there is something that can connect you to someone in a different profession, stage of life or location. Julie Elgar, the author of That’s What She Said, connects with people by blogging about her favorite television show.

Sports are probably the most popular and easiest activity in which to get involved. There are traditional teams like basketball and softball, which are particularly common among law firm attorneys, and less common squads of people that bowl, run and swim. It is harder to get to know people under water, but you have to do what suits you (pun intended).

Arthur Levin had a client who played in a senior hockey league and made friends with his teammates. “There is a natural affinity to likeminded people,” he says. When his teammates needed a lawyer, they asked Levin’s client for advice. “People are more willing to give you work because you like what they like,” he adds.

Athletics, in particular, bring out a certain level of enthusiasm that builds camaraderie and a healthy sense of competition. It also enhances shared memories and a culture of hopefulness. And, unlike most activities of this type, skill is not as important as heart. Since the point of connecting with people in this way is to demonstrate character, rather than performance, a sporting event provides an ideal forum in which to do so.

• Join some type of group that is aligned with your interests. Sports are the most popular, but politics, academics and even something unusual like shopping might work. The point is to engage with others who are meaningfully committed to a similar activity.
• Identify opportunities to follow up when the principal activity is complete.
• Measure success by your level of interaction and personal satisfaction.
• Do not force yourself into an activity. Participate in events that are comfortable and naturally suited to who you are.

Michele Rodon Carver is the Marketing Coordinator for Business Development at Lowndes, Drosdick, in Orlando, FL, and is a 2L at Florida A&M College of Law’s. She was encouraged to pursue a law degree by the partners with whom she works. She suggests that junior lawyers seek similar options for inspiration by engaging in activities with their local chambers of commerce.

For example, Leadership Orlando is a program sponsored by the Orlando Chamber of Commerce to foster community leadership among Central Floridians. Classes meet for nine different one-day sessions over an eight-month period. Each class, which falls on the first Thursday of each month from 7:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., examines a community-related theme. A new Leadership Orlando curriculum begins quarterly and Lowndes, Drosdick generally registers one of its attorneys in each program. “It is one of the most rewarding things they have ever done,” says Carver. She highlights that participants evaluate the public school system to consider reconciling environmental concerns with economic development and regional growth. “They are exposed to different industries and creative relationships with these people,” she adds.

A program like this is probably more applicable to practicing lawyers, rather than students, given the $3,500 price tag for members of the Chamber of Commerce; however, students and young professionals have participated in the program, says Kathy Panter, the Vice President of Community Leadership for Leadership Orlando. “Most law firms in the region are members, as is the Florida A&M Law School,” she adds.

Orlando is actually among a group of cities around the country that offers some type of local leadership program. They also exist in some form in Cleveland, Kansas City, Los Angeles, New York, Pittsburgh, San Francisco and St. Louis. “Leadership programs are a wonderful way to become connected in the community,” says Panter. There is generally a cost associated with participation, but you have to ask yourself whether it has a value equal to what you are spending. Those who enroll in these types of programs are often community leaders, business executives, politicians, and civic-minded individuals. At their core, they are simply interesting, knowledgeable and approachable people that share a common goal of local improvement. And, you get to spend eight months with a virtual who’s who of your local community.

For instance, Alex Yaroslavsky, founder of the Yaro Group, a Manhattan- based employee relations firm, participated in Leadership New York from September of 2006 through May of 2007. He spent nine months working side-by-side with Gotham’s political leaders, non-profit fundraisers, real estate developers, construction officials, investment bankers, municipal workers, and, of course, lawyers. There were 49 other people in his class.

Despite the $4,250 fee, “I would recommend it to others because there are so few opportunities to create a network of people with whom you are able to interact over a prolonged period of time,” says Yaroslavsky. He notes that the program helps you learn about yourself, teaches you about leadership and provides insight about your home city. In Yaroslavsky’s case, he became an expert on the Big Apple.

Students who are interested in programs of this type and are ineligible or unable to pay the fee or have it sponsored should still reach out to the local chamber of commerce for ideas on participating in events that provide similar experiences. Consider inviting alumni (either from the law school you attend or the college from where you graduated) that are participating in the program to come and speak to your student organization. Create a symposium on local issues and ask someone in this program to be a keynote speaker. In fact, use the chamber of commerce and its programming as a springboard for ideas and seek the chamber’s participation. Organizations often need an audience that will listen to its message and law students need a message to use as a means to build an audience. There is perfect synergy. This type of interaction is also well-suited to students who may have additional time and enthusiasm.

Start with Alumni of Your Alma Maters

Students Take Note: Law school students thinking about approaching the Chamber of Commerce should probably think first about leveraging their own chamber of college, that is, friends. “Part of having a strong network is staying in touch with people—so why not start with people with whom you have always wanted to stay in touch in the first place?” asks Hanson Bridgett rainmaking star Garner K. Weng. Noting that mid-level associates fail to think about the connection of their past to their future, “Friends from college or law school are people who hopefully already think well of you and can be just as likely as others to be able to connect you to business contacts,” adds the San Francisco-based IP lawyer. For Weng, the key is simply starting by remaining connected to people with whom one has an existing relationship. When he was a second- or third-year associate, he retained his first small client, but within a year or two, he built a larger base. His partnership election was one of the fastest in his firm’s history and he soon became one of the youngest ever to chair a practice group and to serve on the firm’s management committee. While many junior lawyers do not see themselves at the same firm in five years, Weng encourages them to think of business development as planting seeds. “You plant a whole lot of them in different places— and then you have to be patient.” It is especially hard to know early on which efforts will prove the most fruitful; but if you are personally and professionally enriched while doing it, the end result should not be your primary goal in the early stages.

As Yaroslavsky mentioned, there are very few opportunities outside of the educational context to build meaningful histories with individuals. As one’s career evolves and the time out of school expands, the ability to generate opportunities to work closely with those who could be business contacts a decade from now diminishes. Those lucky enough to participate in a leadership program like Yaroslavsky did in New York City can fight the trend, but ultimately, connections with law school and college friends set the foundation for a deeper relationship in the future. “It starts in college, and once a college student recognizes that their next step is law school, start a content relationship database,” recommends Tursi. This can be something as simple as formalizing your Microsoft Outlook address book, or a more sophisticated online e-mail marketing tool like Constant Contact. If you want to ultimately work with individuals with whom you have shared experiences and also like, starting with this group is essential. “You have to have a mindset that these are going to be the people that you want to deal with,” Tursi adds.

Going back propels you forward

Lisa Landy had a high school friend working at the Australian Trade Commission in Miami, and when an importer needed a lawyer, her friend gave the company her number. She was in her second year of practice. The corporate partner in the Miami office of Akerman Senterfitt has since graduated to sophisticated multinational projects, but still maintains relationships with her high school colleagues as a result of that referral. High school relationships were traditionally easier to cultivate for those remaining in the areas in which they were raised. The proliferation of technology, however, has helped today’s law students and junior lawyers reach back more seamlessly. Services like Facebook and MySpace enable and enhance connections to high school friends and even beyond. Consider how memories shape you. There is a genuine connection between people who attended high school together that is even more significant than those who share a college experience. Friends lose touch and they move away, but they generally do not forget. Since the goal is to begin developing significant links to people for the sole purpose of personal growth, reaching back to high school can be fruitful because the seeds you planted then have had much more time to sprout.

Create a professional reunion function the next time you are in your hometown. Talk to the administration of your high school and ask if you can collaborate on an invitation-only alumni event to which select current high school students could also attend. By engaging the school, you incorporate an instant level of credibility and provide yourself with a platform from which to springboard. You get to be the person who coordinates the event and speaks with each alumnus. It is the ideal opportunity to connect. The people you are contacting see you as genuinely interested in celebrating their achievements, and the school views you as a supporter.

Christy Burke has mastered this idea. The 1993 graduate of Connecticut College and founder of Burke & Company, a New York City public relations and marketing firm, is the chairperson of the college’s programming committee. To encourage alumni fundraising, she started the Distinguished Alumni Program. Her first honoree was the president of Forbes and she convinced the company to hold the event at the Forbes corporate headquarters in Manhattan. Twenty people attended. Her later programs have featured: Amy Gross, Editor-in-Chief of O Magazine; Judy Licht Della Femina, network news correspondent and Full Frontal Fashion producer; Sally Susman, Executive VP for Global Communications for Estée Lauder; and Ted Chapin, President and Executive Director of the Rogers and Hammerstein Organization. “It has been incredibly rewarding from the standpoint of how engaging it is to hear alumni success stories,” Burke says. “Even if someone is not in the exact same field, there are universally applicable principles,” she adds.

This regular interaction can lead to new ideas and opportunities. At the Forbes event, Burke conceived of a Connecticut College Entrepreneurs Forum to support the efforts of fellow alumni launching businesses. Her first event was a panel of alumni entrepreneurs moderated by a branding expert, whom she asked to be a co-founder of the series.

All of Burke’s events take place on a quarterly basis over lunch for 1½ hours. There is a 45-minute question and answer session with the distinguished alumnus of the school, who Burke has the privilege of interviewing in front of her peers. “For people right out of school, it is great because they are looking to make their first contact,” she says. Since the model is low wear and tear on the alumni office, the events are relatively easy to set up, notes Burke. And, there can be multiple events taking place in multiple cities. From a momentum standpoint, it builds on itself. In addition to recommendations from the alumni office, which suggests potential guests, trustees of the college will also share ideas with her.

Once each program is finalized, the college distributes an e-mail to its entire list of alumni and Burke’s name appears on every single one. Today, people she has not met will call her to let her know that they cannot attend the event but will ask her about her services. “The bottom line is that you don’t have to piggy back on existing events; you can create your own,” she notes.

Burke’s efforts demonstrate that you can create programs that build relationships on a shoestring budget where you are essentially the producer, creator and co-star. “Everybody wins,” she says. You could even tailor this type of activity to alumni with experience in the law and law-related industries, or to business leaders in a specific industry, such as technology or aerospace. The possibilities are virtually unlimited and simply require imagination.

• Read the alumni magazine from your college and law school.
• Research online sources of information, such as Facebook and MySpace.
• Consider creating alumni events and other creative programming sponsored by your alma mater.